My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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