My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
