Buhtt sex?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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