Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
