I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
