I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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