he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
