I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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