my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
