Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
