Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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