I bet he comes in French.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
