omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
