I need to stop coming to work sober
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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