so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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