i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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