Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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