Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think my vagina is haunted
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
