Who wears a wallet chain?!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
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