I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
