I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
