I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
