I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
