Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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