Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
