i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
