life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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