last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
