M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
