Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
