i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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