what day is it and did you see me today?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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