i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
