just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
