Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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