Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
