Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
