Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
