I'm so fucking centered right now
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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