shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
