I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
