I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
