He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
