Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
