I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize