you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
