why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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