if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
