Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
