yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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