She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
