First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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