Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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