if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
