I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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