If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
