I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
