Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
