Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize